It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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