I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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