She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
