I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize