then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She announced her abortion via fbk
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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