Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
