so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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