had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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