We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
