I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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