she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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