My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize