I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize