none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
