I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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