she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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