I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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