matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
