Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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