Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
