seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
