Plan B is the new Plan A
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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