Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
