thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
