The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
