Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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