I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize