did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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