My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
