Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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