Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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