So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
