He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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