she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
