you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize