The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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