Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
time to smoke my breakfast
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
