i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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