I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
