There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Your penis caused this!
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