Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
