so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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