There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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