i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
