what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
