I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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