Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
