I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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