Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize