I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
