did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
