Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize