i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
