moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
