I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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