Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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