My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
