I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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