You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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